Some thoughts

shes_a_sprite @ 3:07 PM.

Fiddle stix

What would we be without our imperfections? Everyone is flawed... and I think sometimes it is the little imperfections that I like most about a person. You are who you are, but sometimes accepting this is hard. I see things that I want to change about myself, but I do not know how to get there. I know that I "sweat the small stuff," I know that I should not be so hard on myself, or others, when mistakes are made... I know I should be just a little more lenient in accepting change, and I am trying. I try to let go of the things that haunt me, I try not to judge people before I get to know them... try not to assume the worst about people.

I am slightly bummed out about school right now. I somehow managed to get enrolled in the wrong statistics class, one that I don't need, and that I do not have the prerequisites for. My grades were struggling; I was pulling a high C average. I had to drop the course. It would not be such a big deal, but I feel as though I have failed. It is my first semester at the big university, and I have already had to drop a class. I could have used the credit as an elective, but it would have pulled my GPA down. I was advised by three professors that if I wanted to get into grad school, I need to keep my GPA up!

There are lots of other things that bug me about this school. They do not have someone that does transcripts, so none of my credits have transferred, I have 71 credit hours and only about half of them count towards my General education requirements. If I want the rest to be transferred, I have to look up the course description and submit that along with a form to transfer credits.

And: I have to take the SAT2 for Spanish... I took Spanish 10 years ago, yes I am that old. That was my freshman year in high school. So I don't think I am ever going to graduate.

On top of all of this, I have not gotten home before 11 pm every night this week... I am completely drained. I was so ready to just get up and walk out of that advisors office, it was not even funny, I have never wanted to quit so bad.

I am so looking forward to getting off early, and having a nice relaxing evening, I might play the game, or watch a movie, or who knows... I might just go to bed!

Then there is this emotional issue that I have been dealing with lately. Ever since Grams passed, I have been thinking about kids. I want two kids... I always looked forward to the thanksgiving that we could have five generations together for dinner... but that is not going to happen now. In order to have kids, you have to have a partner, which I don't... so I am pretty sure, this is still a long way off. I am just ready to get my "life" started. I would like to be married a few years before I have kids... but at the rate I am going, well anyways... I have dreamt about it, I could still smell the baby when I woke up. His cry still rang in my ears.

Well that is all for now… I will update soon!

shes_a_sprite @ 11:42 AM.

Ladder 49

shes_a_sprite @ 3:37 PM.

ummm ~

Warning: Extreme depression ahead, read at your own risk.

There are so many things in life that I simply do not grasp. I don't understand them, and I don't know what bothers me more, that there are these things that I do not understand, or that perhaps on some level I do get it, but I don't want to accept it.

Why is it that life begins happy, and ends sad? Is the end really the end? Faith is always tested when we or someone we love is faced with death. Death confuses me. This is something no one can know for sure, but some people believe so strongly in.

When someone dies, we mourn, but are we mourning for them, or our own mortality? Yes, you love them, and you are sorry to see them go, and you wonder if it is really the end, or if there is a heaven... which brings to light deeper questions. Your own fate comes into play. I think that is half the battle when faced with a death of a loved one. Yes, you are sad for them, but more you are sad for your loss, and you question life, and its meanings, but more deeply you question the length of your own life, and the importance, or lack there of. You begin to question all kinds of things. Like am I a good person? Is there something more to life, something more I should be doing. Am I good enough?

On to my next issue, love. What is love? I don't understand it. I understand the love of a parent, and I more than understand the love of a child, and even a dog. But how do you love someone you are not related to, and is love ever really enough? And if you know you love someone, and they love you back, why is there the push and pull, tug of war game? Why can't you just let go and say you love them? Again, it comes back to being selfish.

People look out for numero uno. They love someone so long as it is at their convenience. That is not how love is supposed to operate.

I am in a weird state; I don't know how I am supposed to feel right now. I am sad, and I have almost cried, but each time I asked myself am I sad for her or for me? And is this selfish?

I love someone, and I know this, but I am not with him. I have not cried, I am sad, but I am not. I am too busy with my own life to have time to be overly sad. Do I wish that it was different? Yes. Do I wish that I could wake up next to him in the morning? Yes. But there is school, and work, and homework... Blah blah blah. And this is just my end of it, he has all of these buts, and what if's, and I am busy's.

On to a new gripe, not quite as deep as the others but been on my mind for a long time.

There is the internet. I don't understand some things about the internet. I have moderated a couple of poetry sites now, and on both, I have commented on every new piece that is posted, in depth responses... and I find that on all of them the same three or four people are commenting, and they are moderators. Then when the moderators post something, it gets three or four responses from the other moderators... what ever happened to the other members, are they tongue tied? Have their fingers been broken? Is there some reason they can type their own poems to be read, but fail to comment on others work? It really aggravates me. I love the sight I belong to now, but where is the camaraderie? Back to the selfish theory... they just want their work read, they could care less about the work of others. I will admit, I want people to read my work, and comment on it, but I comment on everyone's work. There are a few people out there who do not fit this category and I am sorry if I have offended.

Next issue: work

People are so very hypocritical, they are your friend one minute, and the next they are stabbing you in the back. Enough said. Selfish theory comes to play once again.

I have decided that for the most part the world is a selfish place, and I consider myself lucky to have found a nitch in it. I have a handful of wonderful friends, some of them really close, like my roommate, some of them online met through a poetry sight. I have family, and I love them, for all of their idiosyncrasies. I know that I have some... and they still love me,

But when it is all said, I still feel very alone. And perhaps I am just dealing with this death thing in my own shitty way, but think about it. I sleep alone (well with my teacup Chihuahua, that is a whole other story!) I wake up alone. I will probably die alone. My roommate, cousin, best friend, will one day soon graduate, and one day (later) get married and move on with his life. I expect this of him; it is the way of things. Bonnie is getting married and moving forward with her life, this is the natural progression. People are supposed to find a partner, to share life with, or a purpose to live towards. I just feel so behind.

Draco, my dog, now that is love, unconditional love. He did not ask to be mine, he waits patiently while I am at work or at school. The best part of his day, is seeing me walk through that door, and it shows. He is so happy to see me, to have me home, you can see it in his eyes. He will love me, fat or skinny, rich or poor, single or not, successful student, or dropout. It does not matter to him. That is how love is supposed to be. So I guess I want a man to be like my dog... never thought I would say that. I think it is inappropriate to say that men are like dogs, in a bad way, there is no reason to insult the dog like that. (okay that was an attempt at humor, laugh dammit!)

Speaking of men, I called my father tonight, first time I have called him since before I graduated. I wanted to tell him about Grams, because he was once married into this family, and perhaps I was looking for some type of fatherly comfort. Boy was I disappointed. He was busy, dealing with his life, not that this is selfish per say, but wow. I am your daughter, talk to me, love me.

I quickly got off the phone. I think I am depressed. If I have offended anyone please forgive me. I am not in anyway implying that anyone specific is selfish. And I don't mean selfish in a bad way. I just think that people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they loose sight of others, even others close to them. And this is normal. It is normal to put yourself first, shit if you don't, no one will, right?

So, though I still am no closer to understanding all of these issues, and yes I consider them issues, I have come to some conclusions. Life is short, to quote a song, "the years start coming, and they don't stop coming," so live each day like it is the last. Work towards what makes you happy, but don't forget that you share this world with other people, try to help them along in their goal to live too! Try not to be jaded when looking at love, try not to give every man the flaws that some have had. Love your family and friends, because they will not always be there.

I have to read my psychology now. Yeah, yall are probably thinking this nut needs to see a psychologist, not be one... lol I promise I will update about my lovely spring break, but that is another story for another day. I may be offline for a few days, when Grams actually passes, as she has died, but her body has yet to catch up. The doctors say she probably will not make it through the night, but may hang on a week. Old habits die hard, and I guess breathing is just one of those habits. (see I don't understand why I try to make jokes out of death. I tried to be slap happy all day. I feel selfish.)

Anywho, I am going to go, I will update when I can, and hopefully I will be out of this mood, lemme tell ya.

shes_a_sprite @ 10:00 PM.

"Road"

Alone he challenges the road a hoe
Solitaire, he faces his deepest woe

Cold and wet, his travels will be
An isolated path is all he sees

Baggage is heavy, weighing him down
Grimacing, his mouth set to a frown

He puts one foot in front of the other
But where he is going, he's not sure

Into the future, and away from the past
Never expected her memory to linger and last

She’s gone, forever more
And life has lost its allure

So off he goes, not knowing where
But away from the past he shall tear

Perhaps solace lies ahead
Time will tell, and feet will lead

shes_a_sprite @ 2:31 PM.

About me

Name : Heather
Age : 25
School : UF
Location: Gainesville, FL
About Me:
Just a woman trying to find her way. These are the innermost thoughts of me, who am I? Just read and see. If I stir in you, any emotion at all, then I have reached my goal. Forever me...


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